Why don’t I consider myself valuable?

And other questions I have about myself

I don’t consider myself valuable at the moment.

And I’m really curious to know how it got this bad.

So, I decided to really think about it and use DBT to understand myself better.

And to do so, I’m gonna talk about the Biosocial Theory.

The Biosocial Theory tries to answer this question:

”Why do I have so much trouble controlling my emotions and my actions?”

It is a combo of Biological and Social environments.

And to analyze this information in DBT there is a way to understand all of this and that’s called: Behavioral Chain Analysis.

So, for copyright reasons, I can’t disclose all of this information because it doesn’t belong to me.

But if you’re wondering, it can be found in the “DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets” by Marsha M. Linehan.

What she wrote about analyzing behavior was very helpful and insightful, so I will be using my experiences of people-pleasing as an example.

Which begins (this sole example) with me cooking in the kitchen today.

I was making ravioli because I was hungry.

I noticed that Lisa (I’m going to be changing names for the people in my example for privacy reasons) had only had breakfast and it had been a few hours since she had ate.

I recognized she was hungry and put her food on a plate and made her a salad.

I also gave her a Dr. Pepper as she requested.

Previously to this happening, Lisa never cooked at all in her life.

And earlier this year she became ill and needed help with everything she had to do.

I gladly helped at first, but then it started to become heavier and heavier since I never fully learned how to take care of myself- let alone other people.

I became her caregiver and Lisa was happy to not have to do anything.

Lisa watches TV all day and ignores self-care (like showering, brushing her teeth, and etc.).

She had gotten a lot better and can walk now but despite being able to walk now, I feel as if she doesn’t want to get better because she likes having me as a caregiver.

I never ask Lisa for a favor or for a need/desire I have.

I never express what I want and one time I did and she refused to do it.

She is very sweet and happy- which bothers me because it is very obvious that she doesn’t struggle with mental health issues.

Unlike me, who tries to be healthier every day despite my mental illnesses.

I have to work at it every day and she has her health.

I feel jealous.

So, Lisa asking me for help is annoying to me because I know she is capable of doing things herself for herself.

The problem behavior I have is people-pleasing.

Despite being frustrated, exhausted, and annoyed with Lisa, I don’t want her to know how I feel because I want to please her.

And so the consequences of me continuing to people-please means people disregarding my needs, wants, and feelings.

And this comes down to not feeling valuable enough.

I put Lisa first because I feel that her needs/wants/feelings are worth more than mine.

She worked for many years, has had struggles I feel bad about, she is now a much older woman, and she recently became ill.

So, I feel as though I am no one.

I never worked over 2 years in my life.

I never made a lot of money while working.

I never learned how to drive.

I never owned any property or home.

I don’t have any money saved in the bank.

I don’t even have a bank account.

I never graduated college or got a degree.

I have mental illnesses and disabilities.

So, I feel as though I’m worth almost nothing in this world.

I feel like the little amount of self-esteem I have is due to me having values, dreams, and I like to think about things profoundly.

I feel as though all I have are my words and I choose to not use my words to be mean to Lisa because she hasn’t technically done anything wrong to me.

I feel as though she can sometimes be inconsiderate and selfish.

But besides that, I don’t have an issue with Lisa.

I feel afraid to tell her how I really feel because she could get upset with me and view me as a mean person.

So I choose not to bring up my feelings.

But it bothers me because every day I dislike her more due to me not addressing my feelings.

I feel afraid that one day I’ll slip up and tell her something mean.

Come to think of it, I did one time.

When I start working on something that needs to be done, she usually tells me:

”Don’t work too hard!”

But that particular day, I was very stressed at that moment so I I replied:

”Somebody has to do it.”

And then later that night she told me she felt like I was on my period since I was being so rude.

So, I can’t begin to imagine what she’d say or think of me if I were to express myself.

What would you do in my situation?

And how do I raise my self-esteem?

Because I don’t truly want to live like this my entire life.

I don’t want to be her maid anymore.

I don’t want to feel worthless anymore.

I want to care about my needs too.