Embracing the Chaos

As much as possible!

Lately, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed to the point of feeling suicidal ideation…

I have no plan and I’m not going to hurt myself but it brings me small amounts of relief to imagine that I don’t exist anymore.

Which, for me, means I’m falling into a depressive episode.

I told my therapist what’s been happening and she expressed that I went from taking care of no one and being taken care of by my family to immediately taking care of two other people and I never got to learn how to take care of myself.

I agreed with her and she asked me if I could come see her in-person twice a week and I said I would try but the thing is, I’m basically the only one who can administer the antibiotics my future mother-in-law needs… and I can’t go anywhere even though I desperately need some time to recharge.

My therapist told me it’s not my responsibility and that I need to prioritize my own needs so that I don’t go inpatient or worse- actually hurt myself.

But when I explained my feelings to my fiancé and his mom, they were upset.

Not with me but with the situation.

But it still made me feel so bad that I cried a lot.

I agreed to staying if my future mother-in-law could get her antibiotics administered by someone else so she called multiple people and found out she can go to an infusion center at the hospital.

So that worked out!

My fiancé said he’d wake up early (instead of the both of us) to give his mom her medications for the morning.

So he’s been letting me rest more and he also told me that I don’t have to do the dishes.

So as of yesterday, I didn’t have to worry about taking care of my future mother-in-law.

I still helped when she needed me but there was less pressure to be constantly with her, so I was able to cook Chicken Alfredo pasta, green beans, and cheeseburgers.

Which was nice because I love those meals.

But even that did wear me out because I don’t have a lot of energy in general.

But at least it was less stress than usual!

Besides that being helpful, I had DBT Skills Group on Wednesday night!

It was so UPLIFTING!

I got to learn about mindfulness, and we got daily diary cards to turn in by next Wednesday afternoon.

My homework is to practice mindfulness daily and it really helped me calm down yesterday.

Today, although all I have to do is shower and practice mindfulness, it’s hard for me to relax.

BUT tomorrow my mom’s coming over!!!!!!!!!!!!

My fiancé’s going to pick her up and then she’s going to stay until the night and then my fiancé will drive her back home.

I’m excited and nervous.

I don’t want her to see me so stressed out but I also really need her.

I need my entire family but I’ll take what I can get!!!!!

Until then, I’m going to have Dr. Pepper to self-soothe!