Get To Know Me

The Q&A nobody asked for- but that I wanna give! LOL

1. What’s your favorite music to play in the morning?

I love me some Sade but I specifically love listening to her album “Diamond Life” (1984) in the morning. Listening to “Why can’t we live together?” with some coffee… ahhhhh it just hits different!

2. What is the one thing you’ve made that you’re the most proud of?

This blog! But that’s fairly recently but… hmmmm… if I had to pick something from before this blog, I would say that it’s a gift I made for my 4th grade teacher. I know that was a long time ago but I’ll never forget how happy she was. We were learning about Shakespeare at the time and I was adoring his writing. I also happened to love watching The Simpsons, so I drew the Simpsons characters into Hamlet characters and taped/glued them to colored pencils and I gave them to my teacher. She was the same teacher that I told “I’m going to write Macbeth II!” and she believed me and encouraged me. So I’ll always remember her with joy.

3. What is the most ordinary-seeming thing that you find fascinating?

Pigeons! They’re so beautiful. I once wanted to get a pigeon tattoo on my calf but never got around to it lol. I also love the history between humans and pigeons. We used to rely on them A LOT. We used them to send messages even during war and many men survived because of pigeons. I think the most well known war hero pigeon was named Cher Ami. I totally recommend learning about pigeons. It’s sad that we don’t all consider them special and beautiful when they really are special and beautiful.

4. What is the closest you’ve ever come to dying?

Many of you don’t know because I haven’t talked about it but when I was 16-years-old, fell into one of the first deep depressions in my life. I wasn’t showering, I would sleep all day, life didn’t seem worth it. I even remember talking to the moon at night and being like “just take me. I don’t want to be here anymore”. I was religious at the time, so I was basically asking God to let me pass away. One week after that, I fell ill really fast. My muscles ached, I was so weak, I wasn’t eating much and the meals I would eat, I would throw up. I also had a temperature of 103°F and eventually, my mom said, “we have to go to the Emergency Room”. When I arrived, the doctor sat my mom and dad down and said only 3 words to them: “This is BAD”. I was then put in a medically induced coma because I was falling so ill that they felt it was going to affect my brain if they didn’t. I was in a coma for a week and they were worried it would last a lot longer. Had it lasted longer, they were prepared to put a breathing tube on my neck (a tracheostomy tube, which is a surgically created opening in the neck to facilitate breathing). But thankfully it never came to that. I did have to have a breathing tube down into my lungs and I was fed through IVs- all very painful. They found out I had Toxic Shock Syndrome from a cyst in my armpit that got infected with staph bacteria and went into my bloodstream. The doctor told my parents “Had she arrived 5 minutes later than she did… she wouldn’t have made it”. Eventually, like a couple of months later, I was able to do most people could do. But before that, I struggled to walk. I couldn’t go up a hill if I wanted to. I remember it being really hard to do basic things. It was a tough time and even though I do still feel suicidal on and off, I’m glad I survived.

5. In what ways do you benefit the world?

Dang. I know I picked these questions but still… that’s a tough one to answer because I often feel like I don’t do enough. But my family adores me. So, I’d say being present and staying alive despite how I feel sometimes is enough. They don’t care if it means going inpatient- they actually tell me thank you when I go because they know it’s hard to go but I do it for them and for me.

6. What was the hardest decision you’ve ever made?

One of the most recent decisions I made (6 months ago) was to stop talking to someone I had loved. But he had hurt me a lot so it wasn’t that hard at that point to leave. I had had enough. But a decision I made that same day was to never smoke cannabis again. It was a really hard decision because I hadn’t lived a sober life in many many years. I was scared eventually I would go back to smoking. But thankfully, I haven’t and I don’t ever want to go back to altering reality so I can tolerate it.

7. What’s your favorite season and why?

I live in the Northwest Suburbs of Illinois and we get a little bit of everything here. But I absolutely ADORE the fall! It’s so beautiful. There are leaves of yellow, orange, red falling on the ground. Making crunchy sounds when I step on them. I also love hoodie weather so it’s a perfect time to drink hot chocolate and get ready to celebrate Halloween.

8. What was your favorite thing about the place you grew up?

I didn’t like growing up where I did. But there was a restaurant that I always loved going to. They make some really good nachos and have a bunch of yummy Mexican food. And the place is till open! Shout out to: “El Famoso Burrito/The Famous Burrito” in Wheeling, IL.

9. What’s the best lesson you’ve learned from a difficult situation?

Recently, I’ve been grieving the past (I always do for periods of time). But I’m learning to be more in the moment. Because whatever I want to have in my future, is going to have to be worked on in the present. Not the past. The past is untouchable.

10. Have you ever challenged or questioned a belief you held for a long time? What prompted it and what was the result?

I have been Catholic on and off for many years. Somedays I feel like I can believe, other days I’m like: “Please, no one bring religion up!” The reason for that is too tough to talk about-even on my own blog. But I do have my reasons and they are 100% valid. It took me a long time to accept that being confused was okay. If there is a God and he did know what happened to me, he would totally understand and wouldn’t force me to think about that extremely painful time.

11. What’s a brief summary of your outlook on life?

Nobody has all the answers, nobody got to pick what body they were going to be born into, nor the role they’d have to play in the beginning but do the best you can and try to be kind to others for no reason- including yourself.

12. What’s a quirk of yours that few people know about?

I don’t think everyone does this… maybe it’s just me and some people with OCD, (I don’t have OCD that I’m aware of btw!) but I am very aware of where I place things. If I don’t close my water bottle the right way, I do it until it’s done correctly. If I place something anywhere without care, I feel a large amount of stress. I like knowing exactly where I place things and if I don’t do that- which is very very very rare, I lose it a little. I get overwhelmed. I freak out inside and possibly outside. I think it gives me a false sense of control…

13. What is something you’re hypocritical about; something you believe but have a hard time sticking to in practice?

ETHICS. I took an ethics class in the summer of 2023. It was AMAZING! I got over 100% in the class if I can remember correctly. But I don’t integrate everything I’ve learned into my life. I want to be ethical but I don’t sit and think about ethics enough. I have all my notes in a binder next to me as I type and I feel guilty I haven’t sat down and analyzed it again. Eventually I will. Maybe not today… but I know I’m going to because I really do wish to be more ethical.

14. What is something you’re inherently bad at, no matter how hard you try to improve?

Okay- so ya girl has terrible depth perception! I do… so because of that, I can’t drive. I would 100% get in an accident. So I don’t drive so y’all can be safe lol… You’re welcome.

15. In the movie Inside Out, each person has a set of “core memories” that define who they are and how they behave. What’s one of yours?

Wow. This is a tough question to answer because a lot of my core memories are traumatic. But if I had to pick a joyful moment, it would be when my brother and sister were born. I can’t remember those memories but those moments changed my life for the better. I adore my little brother and sister.

16. What embarrassing memory will forever be burned into your mind?

I once danced in front of like 600 people lol in Mexico. For beer! I didn’t even want the beer 🤣 Me and 5 other girls were picked from the audience by a clown entertainer and we were told to shake what our mama gave us so… I did LOL! And I got beer and told my mom and dad all about it! Hahaha it was actually really embarrassing but I mean, I got us beer soooooo?

17. What is something that’s easy for you but difficult for most other people?

I’m the only one in my immediate family who schedules appointments. It’s not like super easy, I still get nervous sometimes. But everyone in my family hates doing it so I do it for them. I feel glad they can trust me to do it. I sometimes wish I had an older sibling who would do it for me too so I get why they ask me to do it! 😂

18. What are you glad you learned as a child?

That you can’t always get what you want. I learned this quick but I think it’s a good lesson. You might get what you want! And when you do, appreciate it. But if you don’t, the world will continue to revolve and life moves on.

19. Has anyone ever saved your life? Have you ever saved someone else’s?

I was saved in 2013 from almost dying due to Toxic Shock Syndrome and I am thankful to all of the doctors and nurses. I truly am.

And I did save someone once. I was maybe around 17-years-old. I had joined a Facebook group for people with depression and I noticed a kid my age had posted a suicide note/message. I immediately started talking to him and he told me he was too overwhelmed to continue anymore. I looked at his profile and noticed he had his mom as a friend. So I messaged her right away and told her what was happening. She was so thankful I told her and he didn’t hurt himself because his mom talked him out of doing it. But him and I kept in touch. He’s now taking EMT classes and helping people every chance he gets. I’ve never met him in person but I hope to some day!

20. What expensive thing is absolutely worth the money?

This is gonna sound silly but face lotion. I specifically use “Confidence in a Cream Anti-Aging Hydrating Moisturizer” by Ulta. In the morning and at night and it leaves my skin so hydrated and soft. It’s $89 dollars though for 4 oz. though 😭I also recommend drinking a ton of water to avoid getting pimples hahaha I used to NOT drink enough water for YEARS. Drinking enough water really makes a huge difference.

21. What do you wish was possible?

THAT YOU COULD MAKE ANIMALS LIVE LONGER. My cat Johnny is 15-years-old and I DON’T want anything to happen to him ever. Why can’t they live forever?! Why would whoever is in charge do that to us!? 

22. What subject could you teach a college course on? What would be the title of the course, and what units would you cover?

Psychosis 101! I know that sounds ridiculous but I mean, what better teacher is there than me? I had just about every delusion a person could ever have. In fact, I think if I were (which I won’t!) to smoke again… I’d have to repeat delusions because I basically had all of them. I thought I could talk to animals and that I was Aurora from Sleeping Beauty. I thought I was surrounded by Gods and my brother was in charge of creating everything around me with his artistic abilities on an iPad. I could go on forever with what I thought! And I also think it’s fascinating not to be delusional anymore. Life is a lot duller now but it’s safer. I’m being honest. I mean, imagine being able to TALK TO ANIMALS and ACTUALLY believing it… You’d be super happy! I sure was. In the class I would cover: Delusions, Hallucinations, and the roots of both.

23. A stranger is inhabiting your body for the day. What are some tips you’d give them?

• Wake up early to take your medicine on time.
• Don’t forget to drink enough water ‘case you’re gonna be tired. More tired than most people so don’t freak out if you get tired really really fast. That’s normal for me.
• You’re gonna think like, so so much that it’ might drive you crazy. Look at the skills in my DBT folder and do the worksheets. You may not see any results right away but it’s better to do them than not do them.
• You may get angry and not know exactly why- just don’t break anything or get us into trouble even though it might be tempting to do so. And don’t do any drugs to tolerate being me! I don’t now, neither should you.
• …Good luck!

24. Have you ever written a thank-you note to someone who created or helped create something you enjoy? If not, who would you write to and what would you thank them for?

I have been wanting to send Nancy Meyers a thank you letter for all her amazing work. She wrote and directed one of my favorite movies: “Something’s Gotta Give”. And she’s also produced the movie “What Women Want” among many other movies! She has crazy amount of talent!

25. What is your perfect meal? Describe it—everything from the company to the setting to the music to, of course, the food.

My favorite meal has to be steak cooked medium well. I specifically like to season it with salt and pepper only. Then once it’s cooked, I like to sprinkle light brown sugar on top of it and let it melt. For a side, I love me a baked sweet potato with honey on top. And to drink, there’s nothing better than a cold Dr. Pepper. As for company: my family (mom, dad, brother, sister, and our cat Johnny).

26. What are people not grateful enough for?

To be able to hold down a job and be good at it. I want that life for myself so badly but it’s been a struggle. I wish people would be grateful to be able to do that. Usually I hear people complain, which I do understand to a degree… but you can take care of yourself! What a BLESSING. It’s a blessing to be able to do that!

27. Have you discovered anything about yourself in the past year?

I have a lot of repressed anger. I always semi knew this but this year, it’s like really prominent in my day to day to feel angry. It is overwhelming to feel because I have yet to learn how to cope with feeling angry. But I’m working on it!

28. What is something you love that most people hate?

ASMR. Despite it being really popular on YouTube, I have only know like one other person who likes ASMR. I listen to ASMR for like 2 hours every night or more and I have every day since 2013. I can’t live without it anymore.

29. What’s a habit you’re trying to develop or break?

I broke my streak yesterday but I’m trying to write every day! Even if it’s a little bit. I love what writing does to me. I get rushes of excitement when I write and it makes life worth more to me. Without writing, I don’t know what I’d do.

30. Pancakes or waffles?

Crepes, waffles, and pancakes. In that order!