Hope Without Expectations

Suggestions from a wanna be nonconformist

As odd as I am… As strange as I’ve shown up in spaces…

And as abnormal as I’ve been – the society I’m surrounded by has still been able to instill in me the desire to be like everyone else around me.

I understand that this form of socialization is very common and that living in The United States of America has impacted the way that I think and feel about myself.

We are pushed all the time to be “noticeable”, “unique”, and are loved/adored the more “independent” we become.

This independence comes in forms of wealth, possession of materials, and can also bring you fame, popularity, advantages, and privileges.

Unfortunately, in my 28-years of being a part of society, I have noticed the drastic difference between people treating people who look pretty or who are wealthy differently vs. people who are barely making ends meet or who are considered “unattractive”.

And don’t get me started about the homeless – because that’s also an issue and it seems as if the priorities in the masses is “how we can benefit from each other?” vs. the ability to understand the diversity and inequalities that are still a part of the world we live in and what we can do to become better humans to one another.

As a wannabe nonconformist, I don’t want to think like the masses ANYMORE.

I will admit, I too wanted wealth and financial security, maybe even the honor of being popular enough to make a living selling books as an author/writer.

I still dream of making an impact.

But not if it’s going to affect people in a negative way.

And so today, I thought and thought about what I wanted to write and I decided I wanted to write about the concept of Hope.

What is hope?

Hope to me meant striving whether there is a chance or not of making it. And keeping at it despite the blocks along the way.

And according to Dictionary.com,

Hope means: to desire with expectation of obtainment or fulfillment.

Well, I have to admit that my version of Hope has changed and it’s different than what I stated.

Let me explain…

Today I felt like analyzing my diaries. For whatever reason, I felt the strong desire to take a glance into the past and see what life was like for me.

I got to a page in one of my diaries where I had written notes from a sermon. During that time period, I was watching sermons to learn more about Christianity. While I no longer watch sermons now, I was beginning to remember what I had learned that day through my notes.

And I wrote some pretty bold statements…

I wrote:

“I do not need to act a certain way.

I do not need to be perfect.

I do not need to be rich, successful, or independent.

I WANT to be but I’m already very blessed.

While I’m on my way to my future…

Am I going to see the whole picture OR

Am I going to cling to my expectations instead?”

Reading that woke me up from my slumber…

It made me realize that there may be a lot I want.

There may be a lot I desire in this life.

But the concept I had of Hope has been warped.

So instead of thinking of Hope as the desire with expectation of obtainment or fulfillment… or striving to be more, feel more…etc.

I think I (and maybe you do too) should think of Hope without expectations.

And start asking myself: Am I seeing the whole picture?

And redirecting my expectations.

For example: I cannot go back in time and change my past.

I cannot go into the past and save myself from the dangers I experienced. I have multiple disorders and mental health issues now because of what happened and I CAN learn to live a healthy life-despite what I have been dealt with.

But along the way, I will walk with the hope of not expecting receiving or earning everything I desire.

Would it be nice to have it? Yeah. I won’t lie.

But even if I don’t- as someone who doesn’t fit into the masses of people who are independent, rich, and/or successful… does that mean I should feel bad?

No way.

I know it’s not easy to change the way we think.

But I’m willing to do it.

Because living, we know is hard…

But I believe now that it is better to have lived and died than to have never lived at all.

So I shall wander with Hope and accept life as she is.

Thorns and all.