My Relationship with Emotions

It’s been a hot mess, y’all!

Today I saw my DBT therapist and I explained that I’ve been tracking my mood in the tracker she gave me. I showed her the sheet and we both recognized that I’ve been feeling manic-y. So instead of teaching me about Distress Tolerance like she had originally planned, she decided she needed to teach me about Emotional Regulation first.

So that’s what we did today! Now, just so you know, I can’t actually tell you everything I learned. Not because I want to gatekeep but because the worksheets she gave me are from a book called: “The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation” and I’d need the publisher’s permission to tell you what is on there.

[But if you’re interested, the book is being sold on Amazon and the chapter I was told to read is Chapter 7! I will attach the link below:

I also received a worksheet to fill out as homework! But before I start my homework, I wanted to reflect on the relationship I’ve had with my emotions up until now. Why? Well… because I have faith that I will improve and become healthier, I wanted to track how things have been like for me since… well, since before receiving the proper treatment/attention.

Before DBT life was a hot mess! Now, I know I just started but starting has already been impacting my life by opening my eyes to certain realities. Realities that have been hard to accept.

I’ve been like… a slave to my impulses and urges…

From 2019 to 2024, I was entirely dependent on extremely unhealthy coping mechanisms. Be it smoking cannabis every time I felt unhappy or triggered, cutting and chopping my hair off impulsively to punish myself, overdosing on medication, breaking things, sending really long and mean texts to people who deserved my absence, over eating to feel some form of comfort, sticking around unhealthy people because I thought that’s what I deserved… you name it! It was pretty damn bad, dude.

And I didn’t know how to stop. I did want to stop during periods of reflection. But I didn’t know what a life without those things would look like. I had no clue.

But being the persistent and stubborn gal I am, I was able to put an end to some of those unhealthy coping mechanisms. I quit cannabis on November 18th, 2024 and on that same day I quit talking to a really unhealthy person I had loved for 5 years. He was super unhealthy for me (and for himself) but I couldn’t admit it to myself until I just basically had to accept that he had major problems- and no matter what I did, he had to be the one who wanted to change and he was the only one who could solve his issues. I couldn’t save him. So I did what I needed to do for years- I left. I blocked him. And I haven’t talked to him since.

I remember feeling so depressed that night that I took more medication than was prescribed to me. Thankfully, nothing bad happened. But since that night, I haven’t done it again. And I hope I never do.

In 5 days, it’ll be half a year since I’ve smoked cannabis, been around that unhealthy/toxic person, and since I last overdosed.

I am proud!

And excited because there’s no going back now.

…But it feels like I’m shedding. Whatever person I was six months ago… is no longer welcome to be in my life now. And maybe I’ll be a totally different person in another six months! Who knows! But I do know I let my emotions and urges run my life for me for a long long time.

Those days are coming to and end soon.

When? Who knows for sure but it’s definitely happening and I can feel it.

Look out world! I’m learning!

And boy, oh boy, it sure does feel good!