Out of the Dark!

And it feels good! But a little bit too good…

Yesterday, my DBT therapist gave me a daily mood tracker that is a tool to keep her and myself informed about my mood symptoms. At the end of each day, I’m supposed to record my mood and related factors. And the more thorough the information, the more help I can receive in treatment.

Together we assessed how I felt yesterday and I put a checkmark on “Stable Mood”. The other options were:

• Extremely manic (incapacitated or hospitalized)
• Very manic (difficulty with goal-oriented activity; not able to work)
• Somewhat manic (some difficulty with goal-oriented activity; able to work)
• Mildly manic or hypomanic (mild changes to usual routine; able to work)
• Mildly depressed (mild changes to usual routine; able to work)
• Somewhat depressed (functioning with some effort; able to work)
• Very depressed (functioning with great effort; not able to work)
• Extremely depressed (incapacitated or hospitalized)
• Mixed State

But today, I woke up and had an idea. Now, this idea may seem like a “regular” idea to have. But to me, it was an odd one to have because I thought I was comfortable as things were. So, my idea was that “My bedroom has too many things in it. And these things are stopping me from being able to function in a healthier way. I need to change EVERYTHING” so… I did.

I grabbed every stuffed animal I had (I have like…over 70) and sorted which ones I wanted to keep in my toy bin and which ones I would stuff in my walk in closet.

I asked my mom to help me take down my hanging toy net and placed it in my closet, along with string lights, art I have made, and several other items.

I took down my Bratz poster and gave it to my sister. I grabbed my Tom Petty Full Moon Fever poster and stuck it in the front of my bedroom door. I also gave my sister some toys and I doll I used to adore.

I basically changed EVERYTHING.

It took me a few hours. And the thing is, I had a lot of energy. I didn’t take breaks. I didn’t think “I can do this later”. I just kept on going.

Now my room is a lot cozier and a lot less cluttered. And part of me feels really proud. But part of me also can’t help but think: “…am I sliding into hypomania?”

I truly don’t like thinking that the joy I feel is simply because of hypomania or mania.

It makes me sad to think of joy that way. But since I do experience depressive and manic episodes, I have to consider what I’m leaning towards so I can make healthier decisions to keep myself safe.

But I’m almost never sure if what I’m feeling is genuine happiness or the beginning of a hypomanic or manic episode. They kind of feel the same exact way to me.

I look forward to the day I’ll be able to understand or comprehend how to distinguish what the differences are… but while I figure that out, I’m going to enjoy being out of the dark for now.

I’m going to let the sun shine and track my mood and symptoms every day!

P.S. This song is how I feel right now: