Checkmate

I surrender!

I think it’s just me (but I could be wrong of course) but I seem to be the only one around me who’s disgusted/sickened with having a body. I may sound really ungrateful because I can walk, I can run (but don’t want to… and it’s manageable to do such things). I understand that people do struggle with not being able to do such things and I feel for them. But either way, having a body feels complicated to me anyway and it does feel like way too much!

I just wanna shout into the void: “I’m tired of this grandpa!” but I know the void will eventually shout back: “Well, that’s too damn bad!” (“Holes” movie reference)

I think I have always struggled having a body. But I remember it being way easier to have a body when I was “younger” because I used to be really skinny/thin. I even thought when I was 19 that at 115 lbs. I was fat- but I really wasn’t. Now, unfortunately, I weight 177 lbs. and it is so uncomfortable! I KNOW I can exercise and diet to lose the weight but so far, I’ve only been dieting. BECAUSE as I mentioned, having a body feels like a lot.

Even simple things like showering are not so simple for me. Showering actually tires me out. The feeling of water on me, the sound of the water, and having to touch my skin in order to be clean and the body wash… and the shampoo and the conditioner- all of it feels like a pain in the a**. I’m actually avoiding showering right now because it is so overwhelming. But I know once I’m done with this post that that’s what I’ll have to do.

But I just wanted to vent ‘cause maybe I’m not crazy. Maybe other people struggle with this too! And if not, dayummmm good for you, man. I wouldn’t wish this to anyone.

I’m hoping that if I lose enough weight, life will feel more enjoyable. But it does feel mean to body shame myself-as other people have these past 9 years.

Also- brushing teeth, dude… what’s up with that? Every day and every night!? I have such a crazy hard time getting myself to do it. My tooth even chipped the other day ‘cause I wasn’t brushing my teeth enough. I know, I know!

I could blame this on depression and PTSD and both are valid. That adds up. But I have had PTSD and depression since childhood so… was there ever a point in my life where having a body wasn’t complicated? Unfortunately, the answer is a big fat NO.

Dammmmmmmmmmn. Anyways, I really gotta shower! WISH ME LUCK!

I need it.