What it’s like to have BPD

In my life… I always figured I was different and that’s just how life worked. I didn’t categorize/classify my personality as a “disorder”. But I knew something was off about me. For example: when kids wanted to play games during recess, it was very difficult for me to articulate what we were supposed to do exactly. To be honest, I never really learned how to socialize in an effective way. As in, in a way that made sense to most normal people. And this kept on happening but I figured I was just weird and unpopular.

It wasn’t until I had my second psychotic break as an adult (unfortunately) that I came to realize that I had had a really messed up event happen in my childhood. I have no way of knowing for sure if it really happened but I’m trusting my gut when I say that it still affects me to this day.

It genuinely affects the way I talk, my memory, my ability to process information, the way that I view the world, how I feel… and it goes on and on.

And although I was comfortable explaining things I have done recently (I wasn’t even totally comfortable btw). I don’t want to talk about what I think happened in my childhood because I think it would be very triggering to me and to you. So, I will continue on with saying that thankfully, now I do have the treatment I have always needed but unfortunately didn’t get to have until now and it’s Dialectal Behavioral Therapy (DBT).

I literally just began this treatment so I don’t know much about DBT. If anything, I have questions y’all. Like for example: how long have I had BPD? Does it begin to develop at a certain age? Do people with BPD have it forever and it’s something you have to maintain or can it go away if you heal enough and/or unlearn unhealthy coping skills?

I’m definitely going to ask my therapist when I see her on Tuesday. But until then, I’ll continue explaining what it’s been like to have untreated BPD…

For me, it feels like someone forgot to put the breaks in my brain and it feels unsafe for me to use my mind. I am constantly thinking in black and white. For example: “this thought is bad” or “no! Wait! This thought is good” and then it happening rapidly (my thinking) and confusing me and making hard to keep track of how I feel about everything and anything.

When I used to have a certain person in my life who was supposedly in a relationship with me… he would make me really angry with his actions and with his words. But I would idolize him and put him up on a pedestal at the same time, which was very very confusing for me and probably for him.

I am self-destructive as well. I have cut my hair really short during breakdowns and have shattered glass on purpose to release anger. And also an iPad…

And recently, I hired a private investigator and that cost me $350 dollars. That money could have been spent on something else but I didn’t care when I spent it. It felt like hearing from Kurt again was worth anything and everything. And I still semi feel the same way.

I’m unstable. I feel like one minute life is worth it and the next minute it’s not worth it at all. And I probably think that way because I’m so overwhelmed with the way I think. Having comorbid disorders is exhausting and it has taken a toll on me…

I also feel suicidal often. I completed 16 total treatments of ECT and I’ve been admitted to the behavioral health hospital at least 17 times in my life. Still, with all this “treatment”, I don’t feel like I have healed. BUT I do have hope that I will heal eventually.

Sometimes, I feel that idea/thought and my family are the only things keeping me alive.

I’d be homeless without my family taking good care of me. And they understand that I’m struggling. I can’t help but hurt to think about the idea of me not getting better. So, I try not to think about that as much as I can.

I’ve also been in very toxic situations as an adult and it was very hard for me realize they were toxic until many many years later. It’s kinda… well, not kinda… but it’s a miracle that I am alive. It may not feel like a miracle. But it is. I can’t deny that.

You’re probably thinking “yikes, this girl has issues”. Yes, yes I do. And you know what? I may have had a dangerous past… and I may have been led astray many times… but I’m gonna learn what healthy actually is and then once I learn what it is and what it isn’t… then we can talk. For now, don’t say anything mean or belittling ‘cause it’s a waste of words. ‘Cause…

*in a thick New York accent”

“ayyy! Can’t you see I’m healing here!?”