This “slut” is self-aware.

What Now?

I remember having really toxic friends in high school and in the very beginning of community college. It was a very frustrating time for me because I wanted friends so badly that I put up with a lot of bullying. They would call it “roasting” but I knew they were being mean on purpose to hurt my feelings. And they did hurt my feelings.

I was the only one who was not a “virgin” in the group of friends I had so I automatically started to be called a “slut” and made fun of for my sexual activity or crushes that I had.

Fortunately, I did stop talking to those people and now I have nicer/kinder/supportive friends. Friends who would never call me names or make fun of me. But for a long period of time, I was a slave to my body and a slave to my “desires”.

What I mean by that is that I would use sex to comfort whatever was triggering me internally. It was a horrible coping mechanism to have because it put me in a lot of bad situations. And I mean BAD.

I won’t go into all of it ‘cause I mainly care about the underlying message I learned. Which is that whatever we don’t fix, will repeat itself over and over and over.

And because I hadn’t fixed what was causing such distress, I kept going into toxic environments with people just or worse off than me mentally.

I am now receiving treatment adequate for my diagnosis and I have a lot more work to do but I’m glad I am not where I used to be.

This may TMI but I’ve gone months without intimacy and you know what? It feels alright. I don’t know when and how and who I will be intimate with next but I honestly don’t want to rush into anything. All I care about is the fact that I’m improving every moment and it feels goooooooood.

P.S. Sex can be healthy and be a part of your/my life in a way that isn’t destructive. I’ve just noticed that there is a lot of toxicity in the people who seek to be intimate with me and it’s a giant turn off. I want no part of it and that’s how I am taking control of the situation I’m in. Also, as a Mexican woman (I’m sure ever race has a struggle similar to mine in a way), I get sexualized a lot and the men who have been interested in me (for example: on dating apps in the past) want to be “dominant” and experience things in a toxic way with me. I know, gross. So, I choose to stay in my lane instead and I will consider dating perhaps some day but definitely not today!