The Associations

(No, not the band lol)

For the majority of my life (or maybe all of it- who knows), I have associated one thing with another. For example, when I think of chileajo (a Mexican dish), I am reminded of my mom and dad. I am reminded of their love for me. I remember how it tastes and how it makes me feel at home. Another example is when I think of politics and policies, laws, major events… I think of my sister because she’s heavily interested in the world becoming a healthier place and she likes to be aware. Basically, when I think of anything, I am easily imagining and thinking about something that that reminds me of- and this goes with just about everything.

These associations are kind of driving me crazy recently because for the past… 28 years, I have been associating a lot of things with either toxic memories, people, places or things. And it’s terrifying to admit and terrifying to realize.

I look forward every second to when my life will become healthier but I’m realizing (thanks to my DBT therapist) that I have no clue what healthy actually means or entails.

That’s a hard pill to swallow but she’s right. I don’t know what healthy means, what it is, or how to spot it.

In fact, I tend to run to unattainable, unavailable, and unhealthy people due to trauma. I want this to change but I understand it’s gonna take some time.

I even asked my therapist: “Do healthy people actually exist?” and she said “Yes”.

And although I do believe her… a part of me went: “No way! Then where are they?!” when she said that.

Every friendship I have at the moment is filled with dilemmas. It’s sad but it’s true. I listen to my friends and they have a lot going on. They’re amazing! Duh. But they have a lot going on. (As do I!)

And in my past relationships, it’s been basically consistently dramatic and or toxic. And I’m honestly, kinda sick of it all (Not of my friends BTW, but more so the fact that everywhere I look, I see instability).

I look forward to the days and years where associations feel safe to have and to recall. I also look forward to becoming a healthier and safer person to be around for other people. I know that that’s a possibility and I hope I can look back to this time period and say to myself:

“Thank you for not giving up on me”.