It’s like my windows have been cleaned…

But having them cleaned left behind some marks

WHAT A WEEK IT HAS BEEN and it’s only Wednesday!

I feel like I have had to process a lot of new information and it began to feel overwhelming BUT thankfully (and unfortunately) I have very few responsibilities right now so I have had time to process all of this new information in a healthy-ish way.

Turns out the toughest pill to swallow this week wasn’t my actual diagnosis but instead it was what I am not diagnosed with. Turns out I am not on the spectrum and all of the symptoms I had been associating with being on the spectrum were better explained and understood through the lens of having trauma. So, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) due to trauma in my life that I still need to process. And I was also not diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, which I firmly believed I was experiencing. Instead, my heavy amount of dissociation and identity confusion has to do with my diagnosis with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and my diagnosis with Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type. I was also diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder (with intermittent major depressive disorder). This explains a lot and I get it now but I also learned something I didn’t expect to hear.

While meeting with my DBT therapist and talking about my diagnosis, I told her I wanted to continue seeing my other therapist. He specializes in DID and trauma and had actually diagnosed me with DID. But my DBT therapist expressed concern for me. She told me he had the ability to refer me to testing but did not. I found that shocking since I had told and expressed to him multiple times how badly I wanted testing. For years I expressed that yearning for testing, yet he misdiagnosed me and kept me in the dark for five years. That really stung. I also found out he was doing that with multiple people and I was really angry. So, I sat with my feelings and I thought a lot about how upset I felt. All these years, I was being deceived by someone I thought I could trust. Story of my life! Am I right?! So, I didn’t tell him what I knew but I basically told him via email that I am going to see a DBT therapist instead since I do not have DID. I could have let him know what I now knew but I didn’t want to-for whatever reason.

I know every day I’m learning more and more about myself and the world around me but I couldn’t help but feel hurt. Thankfully, I know the truth now though. And I have a lot of people (my family and friends) who want the best for me and are very supportive so I feel like even though I feel marked still by betrayal, that this was and is a positive experience to have and now that I know, I can start the healing process.