Accepting Who I Am & Who I Am Not

Because it’s about dayummmm time, ya hear?

I have had my share of moments where I’ve considered myself untouchable, incredible, a genius- of sorts even. Then at other times I have considered myself the complete opposite… like a loser, a nobody, a failure. Feeling these ways in drastic measures has left me confused and frankly, a little afraid of myself. If I were to write my entire life experiences in full detail, oh darling, you would be just as confused as I am.

Yet, YET, after ten years of receiving mental health treatment, I finally had the opportunity to receive neuropsych testing and psychological testing! Finally, I will have some answers and I feel that this glimpse of evidence will surely let me know more about myself and I can’t wait!

The testing was done on January 23rd, 2025 and this Friday (April 18th, 2025) I will be meeting with the person who completed the report for me with the results.

This report will include (I am assuming) diagnosis and will let me know if I am or am not on the spectrum… which I have wondered for a long long time now.

But while I have been waiting for the report to be completed, I have assessed a lot of past and recent situations, memories… etc. and have learned quite a lot about myself. Some of the stuff I’ve learned has been hard to accept and even harder to dissect and analyze. But as I was journaling yesterday, I decided to place myself into categories- per say.

I searched online for a long list of characteristics and I drew a circle on a page of my diary. Inside the circle I decided to write the characteristics that align with who I am. Outside of the circle I decided to write characteristics that I felt did not align with who I am. And on the line of the circle, I decided to write characteristics that I aligned with at times- but not fully enough to be included in the circle.

I noticed my feelings as I placed each characteristic in its place… and it was a lot to notice at times. Some of them were easy- for example, I know I am creative, imaginative, deep, and crazy. But some of them were tough to acknowledge- for example, I know I am not independent, competitive, realistic, or athletic.

But this exercise opened up my eyes to my insecurities and it also made me think a lot about who I want to be and who I don’t want to be. Basically, it left me thinking: “How do I want to play the game?”

Living is no easy task, yet we all have a say as to how and when we choose to do things a certain way. Whether we know it yet or never at all is another story. But as someone who thinks a lot (I think as if my life depended on it- and maybe it does), I know fully that I have control over who I become. I know I have the last word. And I know some things will only be as hard as I make them out to be- but in the end, I need to make those heavy decisions on my own.

Because I fear no label nor mental illness or diagnosis due to my ability to see the silver lining, I think receiving this information will be very helpful in me accepting what I can work on and what I simply must accept.

And although it would have been great to have received this testing earlier on in life, I am grateful for it happening when it did because I was able to give a lot of data and I think that’s for the better.

I’ll give an update once I have the report! Until then, peace and love and thank you for reading.